I'm not normally one to do a super personal post like this, but after reading about a blogger friend of mine's struggle with OCD and depression, it got me thinking. To a lot of people, it looks like bloggers have "perfect" lives. We get free stuff, sometimes we get paid, and we get to meet a lot of really baller, amazing women (and a few men!) by getting our blogs out there and networking. We document our daily lives and show the beauty in them, the smiles we have for everything and everyone, and the excitement that we seem to perpetually have towards life.
And that's not a lie.
I love life. I love my life.
But that does not mean that it's perfect.
I have more bad hair days than I can count. I feel like I work all the time and never have enough time to go home and see my parents and family. I feel like I should be doing more to invest in my college/career life even though I have a 3.78 GPA and I'm in the honors college, along with just winning the award for highest GPA in the junior English department. I should be better at making decisions concerning friendships, relationships, jobs, whatever. And really, most of my picture are ridiculously silly - such as the above. I just pick out the good ones for posts.
Basically, I got pneumonia and a UTI at the same time and I happened to be dumb enough to not go to the doctor and then it happened to fully hit me with a fever so high that my vision shook and I hit the bathroom floor at my parents' house. I ended up in the hospital ER where they pumped me full of different medications, put me to sleep because some of them were so strong that I couldn't handle it without throwing up, then sent me home about eight hours later to let me sleep and continue treatment there.
It was so terrifying.
About two weeks after that, I woke up around 4:30 one morning immediately in tears. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I thought I was dying because my body felt so weird and I couldn't calm my heart down. I woke up my boyfriend and he stayed up with me while I stayed in the fetal position, wide awake, until 7:15 when we finally got up and he drove me back to the doctor.
They ran every test they could think of, and it didn't show anything except that my pneumonia wasn't completely gone. I was so lost at the time, but it was my first panic attack.
Skipping forward, I now sleep with either the television or a lamp on. It's been almost a year and if I try to sleep in full darkness like I used to, a panic attack will absolutely hit me. I have to take medication to help me fall asleep and I still get minor panic attacks even though the huge ones calmed down around Christmas break (hallelujah).
This blog shows the highlights of my days. The happy things that keep me optimistic and keep me going. I love that I get to focus on the good and not the bad here, but I don't ever want anyone thinking that I'm perfect or anywhere near it. I have my faults an oddities just like everyone else. And so does every other blogger. It's what let's us be such good friends to each other - we know. we understand. and we support each other. And I could not be more thankful for all of the people in my life who support me day in and day out.
I love you guys. All of you. The readers, the commenters, the followers...even if you just stumbled on my page and this is the only time you'll look at it, I want you to know that you are loved and supported and you deserve to be happy in spite of whatever your struggle may be.